Comment Box: Closed

When someone finds out that you're having a child, especially your first one, something truly wondrous happens.  It's as if people think there should be some sort of virtual deposit slot in my wife's pregnant belly to insert a note with their thoughts.  Otherwise normally intelligent people turn into silly fools offering useless "child" advice, opinions, or their thoughts on what you should do when raising your child.

Poster-board and a Sharpie says it all

It's not that I mind advice when it's warranted from family and close friends.  In those cases it's even appreciated.  But I actually had someone tell me, while I was brewing my morning K-cup, that I should hope for a girl because boys are difficult to control and are statistically more likely to commit a violent crime (seriously). 

I would like to present exhibit A to rebuff that person's argument:

Ask my mom...

Everyone has their opinion on the specifics of raising a child too.  Everything from "you should definitely use cloth diapers" to "if your kid ends up being hyper-active, you should look into one of those circus schools to help them get their energy out".  I am not making this up...really.

Turning them into a psycho clown is much better

Call it a fringe idea if you want, but if my child is hyperactive I may try something unconventional, like exercise, before shipping them off to Ronald McDonald tryouts.  

Why is it that people can't keep unsolicited advice to themselves?  I realize that I've never raised a child before, but there are some things that my wife and I will figure out for ourselves and make our own decisions about. We will not be taking the advice of someone we barely know in regards to "using unscented garbage bags due to studies showing their chemicals' adverse affects on elementary school children's cognitive development."  Again, I wish I was making this up.

What strange comments or advice did you receive before starting a family?

Kid Calculator

So the USDA released it's annual "Cost of Raising a Child" report. This supposedly tells you how much, on average, it costs to raise a child from birth to the age of 18.  Because we all know that they are free after that.

Happy 18th birthday!  Get out!

I happened upon this horror story while eating lunch today, and needless to say, my calorie intake took a hit.  I couldn't finish eating.  $226,920...is that all? 

This is my Tuesday outfit

Better yet, they give you a calculator which uses geography, income, and the number of parents in the household to figure out what your kid would cost.  Does it cost less if we bring in more parents?  Volunteers?

Once you enter those three points into the calculator, it breaks down the cost into seven categories: 

Housing expenses -  The funniest part of this category was that it includes "equipment". Equipment?  What is the cost of a wet/dry vac these days?  Would that save on baby wipes?

Food expenses - This one is pretty understandable, except that it includes "specialty food stores".  I figure that won't be necessary.  Whatever I eat goes in the blender so Junior can eat it.  It's all about savings.

Sorry kid, we eat a lot of chicken and pea meatloaf around here.

Transportation expenses - Vehicle payments are included in this one.  Not sure how the child adds cost to my vehicle payments.  It's not like I'm going to run out on April 2 and buy the first fully-loaded mini-van that I can find with a rebate.  Will.Not.Happen.

Okay...maybe

Clothing expenses - This one is straight forward with the understanding that kids outgrow stuff...fast...I know.  Like "723 outfits to my 1 pair of underwear" fast.

Health care expenses - This one is obvious and also accounts for mental health needs.  The calculator people must have met me (and my wife) at some point.

I will tell my child that it could always be worse.

Child care and education expenses - "...if you do not have these expenses, expenditures on a child should be adjusted to account for this."  Done!  Never give me an out.

Miscellaneous expenses - This list consists of personal care items such as hair care (they haven't met grandpa), and entertainment such as portable media players.  I have a Discman that they can use.  Consider that money saved.

You might need to clean some of dad's arm hair off of the laser

So that's the breakdown.  We've got the estimated cost for our child-to-be down to around $1,784 per year, or whatever it costs for an Amish boarding school. 

Bottom line, kids are expensive.  We've started planning for it by converting our "Vacation Fund" into a "Baby Fund" (my wife's "fine" idea) and talking about insurance, education savings, child care, etc.  And we've already bought it a onesie, which the baby has probably outgrown already.

Did you find it daunting preparing for the birth of a child?  Is it as expensive as you feared?

The Traveling Circus

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I travel for my job. Since finding out that I'm going to be a dad, I've wondered what it will be like navigating the ridiculous security circus with a carry on that drools and poops. It's a pain in the butt already having to pull out my toiletries and laptop, take off my belt and shoes, and then piece myself together on the other side of the "Magic Make the World Safer" machine. Now I'm going to have to do it with a child.

To give this a little context, I consider myself a bit of a travel snob. I like to see if I can best George Clooney's time in 'Up In The Air' when I get to security and I know better than to pick the security line with a stroller or an elderly couple. 

"Some guy with a baby just torched you going through security.  Quit smiling."

I also don't expect everyone to be professionals at it, but for God's sake, you can't carry on a 32 oz. bottle of Suave lotion and a straight razor.

I worry about how I will react when I've been dragging the stroller train through the airport, kid screaming, and get behind the inevitable rookie at the gate who has to dig for their boarding pass. That's your ticket, moron! *breathe* Hopefully I don't react that way, and I'm sure I'll be able to compose myself and tell Junior, "if I ever find out that you didn't have your boarding pass out, I'll disown you". Teaching moment...

If you'd had your boarding pass, we wouldn't have had to hike it little man.

Traveling, specifically flying, with a little one is going to be challenging when it happens. It will test my self-control and my wife's patience. I'm actually writing this blog post while on my way to Chicago, sitting across from the most well-behaved little 2-year-old girl I've ever encountered on a plane. And she keeps smiling at me as if she has some inkling as to what I'm in for.

Have you ever flown with your child? How was that adventure?

What Happens in Vegas...

When your wife says that she's feeling run-down, has no energy, and her stomach feels funny, pregnancy is typically the first thing that comes to mind when you're in my age bracket.  However, when you're not actively trying to get pregnant, the second pink line is a little more shocking.  I believe the exact verbiage used was "holy $hit!". Add to that the fact that I recently took a new job traveling 3 to 4 days a week and all of a sudden it seemed like my life was dumped into a Yahtzee cup and handed to some drunk uncle on New Year's Eve.

Not really my uncle...but could be related

After doing the math, we determined that conception of our little gambler anonymous took place in Las Vegas.  So that whole saying is crap!  It doesn't stay in Vegas!  It comes home with you and sticks around for a couple of decades.  Damn you $17 margarita!  Not to mention the final "joke is on you" moment...it's due on April Fool's Day. So that means that I will spend the first part of spring convincing people that I haven't seen in a while that it wasn't a prank and it really is my baby.

But now that I've faced reality, I'm excited to be a dad. I have always pictured myself as a father, throwing the baseball in the front yard with little Boy Jr., or chasing Girl Jr's boyfriends out of the driveway with my Glock 27.  So here we go.  We're 14 weeks in and the countdown is on.  This will be a tale of learning how to be a dad, plus some other adventures mixed in too.

How you doin'?

I thought this blog would be a good way to share stories with family and friends.  Your feedback is welcome and I hope you enjoy, as well as get a good laugh out of the lessons that I'm surely about to learn.